Five Question Game

one of the good things about my date with emily was being able to practice the five question game. i also practiced it with susana. i think i am getting good. i have a good system, and good questions, and it seems to be working. on a first date, it provides a great structure to establish intimacy and an emotional connection.

so this is what i do.

basically, after i get the first kiss, something light and tender, i back off, and give her this vibe like, whoa this is going to fast, and so i say, “let’s play a game. we ask each other five questions, where we have to be completely honest. this is a great way to get to know each other better. and with each question you can ask a related follow up questions, and that still counts as one question. if you want, i can start.”

with both susana and emily, they agreed that i could start. so this is the first question i ask:

#1 how long was your longest relationship, how did it end, and what did you learn from it?

i like to ask this question because it really helps me gauge how much depth a girl has. but more on that later. in fact, let me just write down my current five questions, then explain what i like about them.

#1 how long was your longest relationship, how did it end, and what did you learn from it?

#2 tell me three positive adjectives about your father, and three negative adjectives about him. don’t overthink it, just tell me off the top of your head.

#3 when was the last time you had sex, and what did it mean to you?

#4 if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

#5 how old were you the first time you had sex, and do you feel that that was a good age?

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as you can see, i like to mix up more intimate questions with some sexier questions. but even with the sexual questions, i like to give them more emotional depth. the point is to come off as a mature, thoughtful, sincere man — not a horndog. for example, i would never ask “what is your favorite position” or anything that was purely sexual or voyeuristic.

so here’s a quick rundown of the questions i ask and why i like to ask them.

#1 how long was your longest relationship, how did it end, and what did you learn from it?

a nice way to get to know how emotionally mature she is. is she a spoiled child, or is she able to truly make something work with someone else.

#2 tell me three positive adjectives about your father, and three negative adjectives about him. don’t overthink it, just tell me off the top of your head.

i like to ask her about her father because that is a great way to push her emotional buttons. the way she feels about her father is the way she feels about the world. not sure if that’s true, but it sounds great. actually, the real quote — by camus — is something like, “the love a boy has for his mother creates his entire sensibility towards the world.” damn that’s not right either. anyway, it’s still a great question, i am sure you can see why.

#3 when was the last time you had sex, and what did it mean to you?

i love this question. a nice balance between sexy and deep. i still remember that amsterdam girl answered “six months ago.” what a great answer. that reminds me, i played this game with amsterdam girl. i barely remember it, though.

#4 if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

i love this question too. making a girl reflect on her flaws is a great way to get her to open up to you, and to feel vulnerable. i still need a good follow up to this one.

#5 how old were you the first time you had sex, and do you feel that that was a good age?

this is the weakest question of the bunch. seems sort of predictable to me. i mean, it’s okay. i actually didn’t ask this question with emily. i can’t remember what i asked her though.

so anyway, that’s the five question game, or at least how i play it. i still need to learn how to do the cube properly, and the strawberry game — and how to read palms — but for now, the five question game is working pretty well.

also, that reminds me, i need to read more about style’s EV routine. gonna do that now.

UPDATE

1. style’s EV routine sounds complicated. let me think about it more, and i guess practice it, but shit i think it requires a *lot* of investment on her part.

2. about the five question game, i forgot to mention, both susana and emily really loved playing it. they really thought about what to ask, and saw each question as an opportunity to really get to know me. of course, getting this kind of investment is great, but i think it also brought out their inner oprah or something. overall, this game just creates the right vibe for intimacy, vulnerability and emotional connection (EC) — without being open ended and too corny. you have five questions, five chances, and then, DONE.

of course, it’s never done. once you connect with someone, that stays. the idea is, you don’t want to turn into an oversensitive pussy. yeah, that’s a good point. as a man, the five question game gives you an “excuse” to start asking intimate, sensitive, thoughtful questions. you know what i mean.

UPDATE 2

another thing i forgot to mention. i like to do this *after* the first kiss. to me, this is huge — even though in a way that goes against the “crocodile theory”. let me quickly explain.

to me, mystery’s greatest insight was attraction before comfort. to me, it’s like e=mc2. huge huge huge. of course, i was the nice guy for most of my life, and made that mistake on a daily basis probably. i still remember in college….

anyway, yeah, attraction before comfort. so what does that mean, exactly? well, the way i see it, you don’t want to rush the kiss, but you don’t want to come off as an overly sensitive nice guy. there is a danger to both, obviously. rush the kiss and you look like a fool, or worse, like a horndog, but if you delay too much and overdo the comfort, you come off as the limp wristed faggot! like in so many aspects of game, calibration is important.

anyway, i am a sensitive, kind man — a good female friend of mine recently described me as “gentle” — so for me, i like to do the five question game *after* i get that first, tender, gentle kiss. and *before* the kiss, i do the standard attraction routines, like assumption stacking, push pulling, challenging her, objectifying her, walking away if necessary, etc etc etc — PLUS of course throwing in some authentic communication, letting the walls down, and talking sincerely and honestly, or as yohami would say, standing raw and naked in front of her.

getting back to the crocodile theory, though, XXL makes a great point:

most importantly.. NO RUSH. as soon as i rush too much she closes and that’s really bad. i want her to be as open and comfortable as possible. it’s like a crocodile who doesn’t move and waits until his prey is as close as possible.

this is a genius phrase, btw. i love it.

*and* of course, the crocodile theory probably goes in direct conflict with the whole sixty years of challenge PDF, something that tom and jon highly recommended.

anyway, as we all know, there is truth in contradiction.

i gotta go to bed. it’s 4am here in colorado.

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original posted here on dec 23, 2013.

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more five questions

-tell me about a time when you got in trouble with your parents, what happened? how were you punished?

-can you remember a moment when you were truly happy? [from @sphericalmale]

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april 2015

three more that i like

1. imagine a perfect weekend day for you, what would it be. now tell me about it.

2. tell me about a book you read that really impacted you, maybe even changed your life.

3. tell me a song that you love, and what it means to you.