the best thing is she doesn’t look lebanese, or arab, or whatever lebanese people are. she looks pretty white. in fact, when i stopped her i thought she was spanish but was hoping she might be french or italian.

no, actually, the best part is that i invited her out before and she said no, and then again and she flat out ignored me. this third time was just as part of a text i sent out to about 5-7 girls, inviting them to a music event.

so yeah, i am excited, i am proud, i am happy — i am enjoying my accomplishments in life.

process-based, not results-based.


oh yeah, and my text invite was cocky funny:

i am going to a cool event saturday. you can come if you promise to behave ;-)

i need to write about what i am learning in therapy.

my therapist is helping me a lot. more than a therapist, she is really more like a life coach. and when i try to explain how she is helping me, it sounds like simple, obvious stuff, but that’s okay.

one key thing i am learning is that i am way too negative in my thinking. i am too harsh and critical of myself. this makes my daily life to be kind of a drag — and probably a big reason why i always want to fall in love, to escape the negative voice that is always in my head, to lose myself in someone else… — anyway, so yeah, i am working on that, on being more compassionate and loving with myself. there are many ways to do this, i will write about what i am experimenting with.

another related thing that sounds very obvious is to “enjoy the day”, enjoy the moment, etc. yes.

but another thing, also related, is to have things to look forward to, to have things i am excited about in the future.

again, this sounds so *obvious*, but it is not something i actively do, it is not a mental habit that i have. in fact, i always see the hassles and chores and monotony of everything.

somehow, i think i got stuck in my head that enjoying things, “being happy”, being joyful, was cliche or fake or phony or *something*. who the fuck knows how i get these ideas in my head. just like somehow i got the idea in my head that dessert was feminine. that enjoying a piece of cake was a girly thing to do.

so i am working on being excited more.

one thing i am pretty excited about is how i am getting into the habit of swimming. swimming and doing pull-ups at the gym.

i feel great afterwards. much more relaxed, and stronger too.

so the system i am working on is, i go once a week. i just need to go. similar to scott adams’s system of just needing to go to the gym and come back, i just need to go and swim ten laps minimum, and go in the waterfall jacuzzi if i feel like it, or the sauna or steam room. that’s the minimum.

what happens of course is once i get going, i get pumped up and into it, and i do more than that. my goal is to swim 20 laps and do four dunks in the ice water plunge, and to do pull ups before and after swimming.

and the reward is a peruvian dinner, similar to my eating reward system i developed last year to motivate me to daygame.

so that’s the system i am working on.

my overall goal is to go swimming for 20 weeks once every week, and by the end of twenty weeks, to be able to do 10 pullups in a row.

so far i can do four pullups.

i think 10 seems very doable.

what are the three biggest problems in america? i mean, the structural problems. off the top of my head, these are my three.

1. we gave women the right to vote. huge mistake.

2. corporations are way too powerful. see the documentary.

3. journalism doesn’t exist anymore. it’s all owned by the powerful media corporations (see point #2)

i just started thinking about this last point again just now, reading about ronda rousey. i didn’t really know who she was until she lost last night.

so now the point i am going to make is very small, but telling i feel. in this ass kissing sports illustrated profile on rousey, the writer says:

At 21, she won a bronze medal in judo at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. She came home and quickly realized how little currency that held. “I’d be like, ‘I have an Olympic bronze medal,'” she recalls. “The other person would be like, ‘Uh, cool. I collect stamps.'” She fell into a mental abyss that could be called Post-Olympic Depression. She recognized it immediately. (The Austrian judoka, Claudia Heill, who had beaten Rousey at the 2004 Games, would kill herself in 2011 by jumping off a building.) Rousey tried to self-medicate by drinking and smoking, “basically tearing down the body I had built up all those years.”

so i looked up claudia heill, and wikipedia says:

On 31 March 2011, she died by falling out of a sixth story window in Vienna. It is not known whether it was an accident or suicide.

now, without knowing anything else, who do you think is right, wikipedia or the massive media corporation trying to push an #SJWagenda?

yes, people do kill themselves by jumping off bridges and stuff, but jumping out of a sixth story building?

anyway, it’s sunday. time to enjoy life, or get work done, or something.

some good comments on break up strategies.


Why would you want to “break up”. Why not just let whatever it is that does or does not happen happen with less formality? A less formal position is a more flexible position.

ferguson curly:

If you care about the girl (it sounds like you do) give the proper goodbye and cutout contact. If you’re interested in possibly fucking her in the future, leave it non committal and really gray.


If in your eyes it seems the manly thing to do, do it in Munich for your own integrity.

i don’t want to start taking this too far from the concrete issue at hand — breaking up with andreea — but it does bring up in my mind the bigger picture question of, how should i treat women?

treat them with too much respect and kindness, and they get turned off and either try to take advantage of me, or disappear.

treat them like shit, and then i feel guilty and i feel bad.

like in some things — not everything! — it seems that somewhere in the middle is the right answer.

with andreea, there are two things that are making me want her to treat her with more respect:

1. she is 31. if she was 21 or 23 or 25, i wouldn’t feel so bad about stringing her along. but she isn’t. she is 31 and i don’t want to waste her time. she doesn’t deserve that.

2. she is a kind, caring person. she is like the opposite of the bitchy, inconsiderate, self absorbed girl. andreea really does have a good heart. i still have to believe in this sort of thing, btw — that a girl can have a good heart — because i do need something to believe in. women can be children, but they can be good, caring, loving children.

anyway, i have yet to find a replacement for sweet, sexy, not that interesting andreea. it is scary, going into the winter without any pussy on tap.

but i gotta be a man about it.

integrity, baby.

right action.

Breaking up with Andreea

i am meeting up with her next weekend. she doesn’t live in spain, so we are meeting up in munich for three days.

so, should i break up with her in person at the end of the trip, on sunday in munich, so i can say goodbye the right way, with a kiss and a hug, and give the relationship a “proper ending” — or should i just wait until i get back to madrid, and break up with her over the phone?

i haven’t broken up with a girl i cared about in a long time, about 15 years.

it’s a weird thing to have to do, if you think about it.

Patricia vs Andreea

yes, i put patricia on a massive pedestal, and it came crashing down last week. i need to write about it. it still hurts.

and yes, patricia is very hot. i mean, she is really really pretty, she is tall and lean and elegant, and she has this very classy vibe. she is to me, close to the ideal. she is the kind of girl who turns heads.

and yes, patricia is hotter than andreea, but andreea isn’t bad. like i said, my problem with andreea is that we don’t have rapport, we don’t have conversation flow, in other words, i find her boring.

but andreea is pretty damn sexy herself. in her little summer dress the first night i went out with her, holy smokes. and when i didn’t get to fuck her the first two or three times we went out, i was dying. she was looking very very hot. small, thin, very pretty legs, very pretty face, and a nice round juicy ass.

so the point of this thought experiment is, i don’t even want to fuck andreea any more, so i shouldn’t be so hurt that i won’t ever fuck patricia.

the term “other fish in the sea” is so cliche, but so true.

great quote on krauser’s blog:

The masculine vibe must overpower the feminine for attraction to happen.

funny because i was just going to tweet out something like this:

i don’t enjoy being mean to girls. this is hurting my sex life.

and then i tried to go for the reframe: it’s not being mean. it’s teasing.

regardless, it’s establishing superiority, and i don’t like that. i feel it is humiliating for the other person. and i think this is a big reason why i am still stuck at beginner-intermediate level.

i have this problem at work too, with the people i supervise. i am not bossy enough. i am not dominant enough. not demanding enough. i shrink from confrontation — until it becomes too much. i just don’t like too much negative interaction with people (??).

something like that.

also, related: I am not decisive enough. i am too unsure of myself.

or: i see too many different points of view.

but back to the “meanness” thing.

i need to overpower her. that’s exactly what dominant means. and SHE WANTS IT. i need to remember this. it’s her deepest fantasy, to be overpowered.

and i can do this with girls i don’t like that much. or not do the overpower thing exactly, but be more of an asshole. with blondie i was a tremendous asshole, and she loved it. and with andreea, more and more i am giving her mixed signals, paying attention to her and then ignoring her, and it drives her crazy too.

but with both these girls, they liked me from the beginning. they were both attracted to me physically, a lot.

(is that even true?? yeah, i think so.)

basically, i still feel i am doing a bunch of things wrong with game, or maybe just a couple of core things wrong, i don’t know. i still can’t figure it out. is it more in the attraction, or more in the comfort, or is it something else entirely? several girls have told me that i am “gentle”, and this is true. i mean, what can be less masculine than that?? fuck.

i do have a gentle, caring side. wtf am i supposed to do, try to kill it off? i tried, but it’s hard, and it makes me feel bad. i just simply don’t like being mean to people, or hurting other people’s feelings, or making fun of them. i have a very high empathy level. it’s my curse.

and i know yohami has his KING OF THE CASTLE theory, about becoming much higher value, and yes, clearly that is something i am working on, but not enough. once i start showing my photography in galleries, i know i will start getting higher quality pussy.

but that’s related to LMS, a game term i just recently learned believe it or not, “looks money status”. yes of course, more status will help me get more girls, fuck yeah, and i am working on my photography, i swear i am.

but still, game.

i believe in game. i believe that i could be doing certain things better. i believe that “attraction is not a choice” and that i am wasting some opportunities.

and i believe it STILL has something to do with me being too nice, not coming off masculine enough, dominant enough, overpowering enough.

or is it that i am just not connecting with these girls emotionally (which would be sort of the *opposite* problem).


Masterful push pull

masterful push pull on youtube:

First minute of this song is untouchable. It loses me gradually after that….but wow, I love this song. “Love…I get so lost, sometimes.” Great lyrics.

i was going to guess that that was written by a woman, but no, it’s written by some dude named ivan.

The term “gaslighting”

from wikipedia, the term gaslighting is:

a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making him doubt his own memory and perception

from the other wikipedia entry:

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, or false information presented, with the intent of making the victim doubt his own memory, perception, and sanity.

am i gaslighting myself?

sometimes i want a girl so bad, that i feel that i would do anything to have her. i feel overwhelmed by her beauty and her body. i am under her spell and i feel that she is all i need, that she would solve all my problems, that i would just be happy if i was with her, if i could have her, if i could stick my dick inside her, if i could own her, body and soul — and then, boom, that feeling goes away — after i finish jerking off, or after the day passes, or worse, if i see another girl i like more.

it’s this crazy weird ridiculous humiliating sensation which happens to me a lot — or, maybe not a lot, but way too often — which just proves to me that i am crazy in lust and way too needy, sexually and emotionally, and that i pedestalize like a madman.

it’s this crazy situation which proves that i am clearly not making sense, not rational, not logical, not in control of my life, or my feelings, or my sexuality.

it just makes me feel out of control, lost, crazy, and yeah, sort of insane.

like the definition says, it makes me doubt my own memory, perception, and sanity.

and yeah, of course i am not the only one. all of us have deep crazy lust, i know that. all of us sometimes get taken over by our cocks and our need for pussy, and do crazy, reckless things.

i have no idea how often this happens to other guys. i don’t know how crazy i am compared to other guys. i do know that i felt this urge so strongly that i *needed* to start taking pictures of girls. i needed to. their beauty in nyc overwhelmed me. i had to get closer.

of course, other guys took other paths, becoming master daygamers, becoming musicians or entrepreneurs — who knows how much male sexual desire for female pussy fuels performance and achievement.

so yeah, i can’t be inside another man’s head, i don’t know how normal or crazy i am, but just now listening to krauser’s podcast with bodi, they used the term gaslighting and it clicked with me, the whole thing of questioning my sanity.

and yes, i know i am overly dramatic, i am a drama queen, i have that tortured artist streak in me — i am like a woman in many ways, yes — so i don’t want to give this whole thing too much importance, or paint myself as too much of a victim, i just thought it was interesting.

interesting and relevant to my new project of understanding my emotions better, understanding where they come from, when to listen to them and when to act despite them, and in general, gaining more control over my life.

update: i should say, my thoughts and my emotions. because as they teach in CBT, it’s my way of thinking that leads to my emotional states.

from lion’s blog.

way to digress


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