from wikipedia, the term gaslighting is:
a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making him doubt his own memory and perception
from the other wikipedia entry:
Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, or false information presented, with the intent of making the victim doubt his own memory, perception, and sanity.
am i gaslighting myself?
sometimes i want a girl so bad, that i feel that i would do anything to have her. i feel overwhelmed by her beauty and her body. i am under her spell and i feel that she is all i need, that she would solve all my problems, that i would just be happy if i was with her, if i could have her, if i could stick my dick inside her, if i could own her, body and soul — and then, boom, that feeling goes away — after i finish jerking off, or after the day passes, or worse, if i see another girl i like more.
it’s this crazy weird ridiculous humiliating sensation which happens to me a lot — or, maybe not a lot, but way too often — which just proves to me that i am crazy in lust and way too needy, sexually and emotionally, and that i pedestalize like a madman.
it’s this crazy situation which proves that i am clearly not making sense, not rational, not logical, not in control of my life, or my feelings, or my sexuality.
it just makes me feel out of control, lost, crazy, and yeah, sort of insane.
like the definition says, it makes me doubt my own memory, perception, and sanity.
and yeah, of course i am not the only one. all of us have deep crazy lust, i know that. all of us sometimes get taken over by our cocks and our need for pussy, and do crazy, reckless things.
i have no idea how often this happens to other guys. i don’t know how crazy i am compared to other guys. i do know that i felt this urge so strongly that i *needed* to start taking pictures of girls. i needed to. their beauty in nyc overwhelmed me. i had to get closer.
of course, other guys took other paths, becoming master daygamers, becoming musicians or entrepreneurs — who knows how much male sexual desire for female pussy fuels performance and achievement.
so yeah, i can’t be inside another man’s head, i don’t know how normal or crazy i am, but just now listening to krauser’s podcast with bodi, they used the term gaslighting and it clicked with me, the whole thing of questioning my sanity.
and yes, i know i am overly dramatic, i am a drama queen, i have that tortured artist streak in me — i am like a woman in many ways, yes — so i don’t want to give this whole thing too much importance, or paint myself as too much of a victim, i just thought it was interesting.
interesting and relevant to my new project of understanding my emotions better, understanding where they come from, when to listen to them and when to act despite them, and in general, gaining more control over my life.
update: i should say, my thoughts and my emotions. because as they teach in CBT, it’s my way of thinking that leads to my emotional states.