43S is leaving his wife. actually he already left her. i started interviewing him via gchat last week, before he left her. this is part one of the interview. i wil finish part two of the interview this week, with him as a free man.
a bit of background on 43S. he is 43, white, 6ft tall, 200 lbs, in great shape, makes over 200k a year. he was living in NYC before, is living now on the west coast.
1. why did you decide to get married? or better, why did you decide to get married to your wife — you know, specifically to her?
i semi-seriously said i wanted to marry rich and young. when i met my wife she was young – 24 and i was 37. and she’s rich-ish. i felt like i was ready to be married too. so the individual pieces made sense, and we were having fun. when she started turning the ratchet, i went with it.
2. so you were “having fun” and you were “ready”. at the time did you believe in love? were you deeply in love with her?
i have been in love before, and even been heart broken once before. however, it was different this time. i chalked that up to being older, different hormones, and so on. i thought, and sometimes still think, that approach is better. but this isn’t working, so time to look closer at my assumptions.
2b. so to follow up, if i understand you, were you deeply in love with her? no. were you “in love” with her?
That’s a chick question.
There was not much/enough eros:
2c. it sounds like a mostly rational decision. “the individual pieces made sense”
we were having fun, and we both wanted it
2d. yes i mean, a 13-year age gap is very nice. it’s hot. that’s an alpha age difference.
she was actually one of the older girls i was dating at the time. not by a lot, but older.
3. interesting. and so what was the tipping point with her in particular? she was the most fun? she was from the wealthiest family?
i had a few others in the mix. one cut me off bc i wasn’t available. she was a little older, maybe approaching 30? another came and went. she knew her place, and wasn’t always able to accept it. another got a real bf. like more on brand for her. i also was ending my biggest personal project ever, a movie. and that was taking all of my time. she was the last one left, more or less. i wasn’t interested in getting more chicks in the mix, and decided to have a go at a real gf for a change. it had been a while. at that point we were in the funnel.
3b. the funnel? the “ratchet up” funnel?
yah. funnel is a sales term. top of funnel.
4. looking back, how much of that do you feel was from your own volition, and how much was her ability to make you want to marry her? not to say her manipulation, but her being able to ratchet up the pressure, take you through that funnel.
i am sort of stubborn in my goal seeking. like once we decided to get married it became a personal goal to make that happen. despite lots of opportunities to change course and red flags suggesting i do so. tough to say. fairly even.
4b. ” red flags suggesting i do so” — which red flags come to mind?
she had lots of reservations, we were struggling with intimacy and fought some.
4c. “she had lots of reservations” about getting married?
yah. she’s high anxiety.
4d. and how great was the sex in the beginning? was that a big factor in committing to her?
top quintile. not top 1%. now we have sex 1-2/month. and it’s generally pretty meh. being a little tipsy helps amp it up.
5. so you have been with her six years total right? what has been the worst thing, the thing you least expected, the thing that frustrates you the most?
we met and started dating june 2010. married sept 2014. worst thing is she isn’t as smart as me. so we care about really different stuff, and i can’t talk to her about certain things or in certain ways. least expected? how good she is stringing me along. i have certain things i need her to do – be more responsible financially, cook some – i am a MUCH better cook, be active. she will do just enough to make me thing she might actually be changing. most frustrating? how much i do for her and how little she does for me. i like to help people, to solve problems, to do shit. and that seems to hurt me in this relationship.
5b. “how much i do for her and how little she does for me.” but how did this happen? how did it get to this dynamic? was it a slippery slope? did you start doing more and more to try to keep the relationship alive — and how did she get away with doing less and less? did she play the victim? how did she achieve this imbalance?
i think it’s more about who we are. i like to feel like i am doing shit, so i do a ton of shit. she piggy backs on some it, asks for other stuff.
5c. i see. yeah. you have a productive personality. it’s who you are. so you get stuff done because that is your character and habit. and she piggy backs off you. but i imagine in the beginning she did more stuff, right?
not really. we were just dating, and living in nyc. it’s different. then she was involved in a terrible accident, and almost died. she recovered at home, and came back to nyc after a couple months. actually that may have been when the balance really shifted. as she still needed care, which i provided. honestly the real mismatch is i like to do my own shit more. cook for myself, etc. and she just wants to pay people.
5d. “she just wants to pay people” — would you say she is slightly spoiled? or more than slightly spoiled?
very entitled. daddy’s girl.
6. if she had to answer the question, “the most disappointing thing about 43S is ____”, what do you think she would say?
that i am very cold, and only think about myself.
6b. “that i am very cold” — is that true, are you cold to her now?
6c. when was the moment that you completely decided that you wanted out of the marriage? was it that moment you told me about before? [a pregnancy scare]
more or less. that convinced me there wasn’t a future. took a little longer to get to actually wanting out. still not to getting out. i think i’m close. but it isn’t real, yet.
7. “it isn’t real, yet” — so there is a possibility of reconciliation, you feel?
no. but i am very reality based. there is a possibility i am a pussy.
7b. “there is a possibility i am a pussy” — meaning, you are delaying due to fear?
right now i am getting hung on the logistics. bottom line is i have a place to stay. and can fit more than enough clothes in my truck. toys and mementos and whatever are just stuff. i need to keep reminding myself that.
8. so, let’s do your introductory bio, what is your version?
East coaster living on the west coast for a second time. 80s hardcore hesher raised by macrobiotic hippies obsessed with sustainability. 4 brothers, all half, 3 from other mothers, and raised by my step father. I love anything fast and on two wheels, make my money at the intersection of design and technology, and miss NYC. 43, 208 pounds, mostly Anglo Germanic, norther euro in the 95th percentile for Neanderthal. Annual income a little over $200K. Full head of salt and pepper hair. 385 pound back squat, 12% body fat, 6 minute mile. Above average free testosterone. 6′ almost on the nose but not close enough to 6’1″ to keep lying.
8b. if a 25yo old white woman saw you at a bar, and had to rate you from 1-10, what do you think she would rate you?
Dunno. Maybe 7? Maybe 6? Probably 7. I believe the 1-10 is non-linear. Like an 8 is pretty major. I do have my audience. 7 for most, 8 for smart chicks.
9. are you excited to date again? or do you want to focus more on yourself?
Mixed. Will start on myself. Next few months is deciding where I want to live, stabilizing shit, taking a trip or 3. If chicks wander in, cool. I’m sure stuff will come up. A man needs to eat. Trips will probably be quick hits initially. Local camping, short flights. Bigger trip for sure later this year or early next.
10. this is all very new, but do you already have one big takeaway from this experience so far?
Takeaway is to trust your gut and do what you want to do. That’s always the takeaway.