i didn’t let people in.
i didn’t ask for help. i didn’t want to admit i needed any help, on anything.
i didn’t ask for advice. because asking for advice meant that i didn’t know what i was doing.
i was so scared of looking stupid, of showing weakness, of showing that i wasn’t 1000% in charge of my life — that i wasted time trying to figure everything out on my own.
and ultimately, i didn’t figure out everything on my own. i mean, i guess some people can, but i have to imagine that most people have blind spots that are very difficult to overcome.
for me, ultimately i got a lot of help — and still am getting a lot of help from a few trusted friends — and some professionals, too. starting to see my therapist a few months ago, that was huge. she is really helping me figure out some things that i couldn’t figure out on my own. which is fine.
doing the daygame bootcamp with tom, jon and sam — also huge. that was a massive turning point in my life.
starting to read the manosphere and learning the red pill from real men like roissy, yohami, mike cernovich, rollo, doug1, and so many others — very, very huge in my life.
asking for help is usually a physical act — hey man, can i get your advice on something? — but it can also just be a mindset shift. the red pill had existed before i started getting divorced — i am sure of that — but it took me hitting rock bottom, having my wife ditch me, for me to start thinking, shit, maybe there is something i am doing wrong here, maybe there is something i don’t know about women that i need to learn. maybe i need to rethink some things which i am just assuming are true.
now, i am building a small group of trusted advisors, of trusted friends, and i actually *enjoy* running things by them, getting their thoughts, getting their POV and getting their advice — it’s not only fascinating, but it helps me a lot in making decisions. the president has his cabinet, the godfather had tom hagen — it’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of intelligence to have trusted advisors.
ultimately, i still make my own decisions. ultimately, i still run my life. it’s my world. it’s my ass. and if i fuck up, it’s still my fault. no excuses.
but i just think it’s a better system.
and to add to this point, this is one of the tricky things about being a man. a real man is self-reliant, i think all of us red pillers can agree on that. and that almost feels like it goes *against* what i just wrote. how can i be self reliant if i am always asking for advice and feedback?
well, easy. part of being self reliant means creating a team, creating a support group, creating a cabinet of trusted advisors, trusted friends — that’s called being *smart*.
anyway, maybe that is obvious to you — if so, great — i am just throwing this in there because for some reason, when i was growing up, i felt that for me to be self-reliant, i couldn’t show any “weakness”, and one major weakness was not knowing what to do, and having to ask for help, having to get advice.
who knows why i thought that — although i am sure other men think this way too — let’s just call it a blind spot.
well, it’s a big one.
now, i ask for help a lot — maybe “asking for help” is the wrong way of saying it, of framing it.
now i ask my friends their POV on tricky issues i am facing — yes, that sounds better — or even sometimes, i ask complete strangers, or people i don’t know as well, but who seem to have insight on the subject.
it’s not a sign of weakness. it’s a sign of maturity and intelligence.
it’s admitting i am not perfect or omniscient.
it’s admitting i am flawed.
yes, i am flawed, but i am still lovable.
and the old style, that’s what i call being brittle. being brittle means that you pretend to be so hard, so tough, so strong, that you are actually weak and in danger of breaking easily.
now, i try to be more like the palm tree.