a good tweet by braivoman has inspired this post:
thank you, man. i appreciate the concern. you are perceptive. yeah i would agree, i have been extra angry and frustrated recently, to the point that i am going to see a therapist next monday.
i wrote these notes for my therapist, since at 80 euros for one hour, i don’t want to just babble, i want to present my issues clearly. and that in itself is a good exercise, to get down on paper what is bothering me, what is pissing me off, what is scaring me, what is confusing me.
here we go.
**notes to take to meeting with therapist**
why i am so angry and frustrated and hating my life:
1) i am obsessed with sex and beauty
sex rules my life. i am obsessed with beautiful girls, from both a sexual and an aesthetic point of view. it feels overwhelming. i feel like i can’t control this urge, this need, this obsesssion — and then right after i come, i hate myself and this addiction.
2) i have crazy dreams
i am not normal, i am weird, with impractical crazy artistic dreams — but i have achieved them so far! i am a fashion art director, and a great photographer — but i lost time when i was married, “trying to be normal”, being domestic. i don’t want to fall into that trap again, but i do want to have a family, a wife and kids, i am afraid i will regret it, and plus i really really want kids, seems so incredibly amazing.
3) life is meaningless
i just feel that life is painful and meaningless, and humans suck, we are destroying the world for other animals, so what’s the point? there is no point. so that relates to points 1 and 2. since life is so meaningless, i might as well be crazy and do crazy artistic things, and indulge in sex and beauty.
these are the top three things that are fucking with my head.
now, secondary issues which aren’t helping either.
4) i hate spain
i feel stuck here. i *am* stuck here. two more years until i can get my EU work visa. i should feel grateful but i feel angry. hate spain. hate this shit. i don’t fit in. they are low design, low sophistication, simple people with simple tastes. they are conformists and they are close-minded — and again, i end up being the weirdo.
that’s what i have so far.
oh yeah and specifically about andreea…
5) i am feeling guilt and anguish over the andreea situation
what do i do??
i don’t want to lose her
but don’t want to be with her
i don’t want to break her heart
but i don’t want to waste her time
wait, i don’t want to be with her? well, not really. i mean, she is kind of boring to me. but so was my ex. that’s the truth. i got bored. and the very interesting girls are psycho. (is this true??)
there *has* to be a better fit. there has to be. or not?? i am scared to lose her. is she the best i can do? should i just keep her around for the fall and winter? should i not have gone to turkey to begin with?
if i stay with her, will it be a “mature, smart, responsible” move? or will it be based out of fear, out of horniness, out of all the wrong things??
i mean, why am i with her now? am i being led by my dick? am i being trapped by my dick? or is it my heart? is my heart telling me that this is a good girl that i can trust, a girl who is kind and loving and resourceful?
totally lost. totally 50-50. totally confused.
-beautiful (to me)
-kind and loving
-very sexy little body
-we are a good personality fit. she is resourceful and down to earth (aka “boring”), not one of thse flightly, ethereal, crazy artistic types (aka like me).
-she is really, really into me. that has to count for something. i have been chasing so many girls for the past five years, and ending up with pie in my face, dick in my hand, and no girl in my bed.
-she is a good age to have a family. 31. she seems smart and mature and loyal.
-she really turns me on in bed. she is not a sex freak, which in a way is good, i trust that she was more of a “good girl” — aka she doesn’t suck dick like a champ — so she is more “reserved” in bed but she still really, really turns me, because she is so pretty and because i love her sexy little body so much. her ass drives me crazy. so round and plump and sexy.
-boring! is she boring? i mean, to me, i have to say she is sort of boring. we don’t have rapport. the conversation doesn’t flow. we don’t talk about books and ideas and more “higher level” stuff. but again, the more interesting girls are the crazier girls (are they?). the girls that are a “better fit” for me are the more down to earth girls, the practical, pragmatic girls. i know this.
-romanian. i don’t want my kids learning romanian. i want them learning german.
-not sexy enough (??). here is where i think i am taking it too far. i want sexier, yeah, but doesn’t everybody? i mean, she is not 23, she is not a solid 9 or even a solid 8, but then again, neither am i. and hold on, according to my scale, she probably is an 8. an 8 is a girl you are proud to show off socially, and she is that. she is very pretty and feminine and petite and sexy.
-not smart enough (??)