Endless blogging

i have been blogging for six years now. it has become a reliable method for me to document my joys and struggles with women. it is my diary and, in a way, it has become a form of artistic expression as important to me as my photography.

i am going to focus my blog on this again. my personal dreams, achievements, fears and doubts. my experiences.

trying to tell my story as genuinely and authentically as i can.

i have a photo shoot tomorrow, and it’s funny because i am annoyed.

i am annoyed because i can’t help myself. this girl is 18 and so sexy, i have to shoot her — i have no choice — but part of me just wants some peace and quiet.

i started a new series of photos, of nature, and it’s a nice change. flowers and nature don’t torment my soul, don’t fuck with my head, don’t make me question my own existence.

this girl might. she is 18 but she looks about 16. she is so thin and pretty and delicate and fragile and slender and smooth and when i met her for coffee she was driving me crazy.

i just gotta remember this:

wish me luck.

***

i did my best.

this is what she looked like, btw.

my thoughts on the rsdmax video.

1. cool logo.

logo

2. rsdmax looks like a model.

rsdmax

3. are the girls he is pulling younger, hotter and tighter? it’s hard to tell with all the blurring and all the clothes.

max and girl

4. yohami, you wrote:

Notice the “opener”, which is a no fucks given, swing your cock in front of here, instead of “chase her yadstop her and compliment her”. Worlds apart.

you still don’t understand the london daygame model. you initially compliment her to get her attention, but then you start push-pulling her and then you even start passing judgement on her. the idea, like all real game, is to achieve the dominant position.

now if you said, don’t do daygame, instead do steroids, lift a ton of weights, and become really handsome like max, and *then* talk to girls this way, then i would agree that that’s a good strategy.

ZFG is always attractive to women, but if there is no obvious value to back it up, my guess is that they will walk away.

5. now that i think about it, you and max look kind of similar. he is younger and more handsome, but you both give off that caveman vibe.

Top 3 #Redpill Lessons

Here you go.

i am writing this to remind myself, especially #3.

***

this is an earlier version from 2014.

 

chaotic great has been traveling for the past couple of years. he just got to japan a few days ago. we chatted over telegram today. i asked him 20 questions.

***

1. so CG, what do you love about asian women?

Everything.

2. are they your preferred race to bang?

Hmm idk. Need to try them all. TBH I shoulda banged more in Thai and Vietnam. But needed $ focus instead.

3. do you like the flag concept, or are you more focused on race?

I like the flag concept. But an artsy white girl can be very similar to an artsy Asian chick. So I like more the age and personality categorization.

4. are you curious to bang an older chick?

Not yet. I banged a 27-29 Romanian. That gave me the yeast infection fun. But a girl in her 20-22 is best imo.

5. you were banging a korean girl recently. how was that?

Great. Sexual healing. So nice to bang same girl for a while. I was with her two months. With Daygame you get few repeat lays. I did at least. So it’s nice to have good sex from knowing her body. Also not having any performance anxiety. Or any pressure. Not worried about if you’re gonna fuck. You know you are, so more in the moment when I saw her. She made me feel like I was great at sex. Def gave me confidence.

6. so now you are in japan, why japan?

Japan is an amazing destination. It’s a must see. I have the money. And I am in the area. Also changing cities makes me evolve. So every 1-3 months new spot.

yes. FCID. not getting lazy. pushing yourself.

Yes. Gotta keep moving.

like a shark.

I feel like getting in shape is the last big goal. I am 25 now. Turning point. The next two years are key.

7. in what ways?

I could become complacent. Or focus too much on one thing. Girls or money or looks. And fuck it up. Also this lifestyle is tough. I can’t live like this forever.

8. right, so maybe two more years of this lifestyle?

Yeah 2 tops. Then pick favorite city. And stay there 8 months out of the year.

9. whats the toughest part of your lifestyle?

Loneliness. Fear of disconnection from roots. Not feeling like you belong anywhere. Not having deep friendships. Feeling like fucking up career options.

10. “Feeling like fucking up career options” — yeah? isn’t the digital nomad lifestyle becoming more accepted?

Yes. Some of my friends are getting mbas. I have no proper work history. But that’s ok. I’ve made the choice. To never work for someone.

11. how do your parents feel about your lifestyle?

They don’t like it. My dad doesn’t support me. He’s never really “happy” for me. He would rather I live at home and work for him. I had to ask him to tell me he was proud of me. And he only said it moments before dropping me off at the airport. I got testy eyed. My mom doesn’t care much. We barely talk. We do talk but no real talk. We talk maybe every two weeks.

12. what do you mean your mom doesn’t care? is she worried, angry, disappointed?

Like she’s old. Like my grandma, her mom. When I come by she’s like “hey!” And five min later doesn’t really care. Hard to explain. My parents are not emotive. Also my mom is a pain in the ass. Can’t tell her stuff. Mom I went to Japanese Onsen baths. And she’d be like omg careful wear sandal you can get infections. So you can’t have a conversation. But when I’m home I’ve gotten so much better st talking with them. Treating them like people. They’re just people. It’s hard to imagine when you’re young.

that’s good. yeah its hard to connect with parents. my parents treat me like a kid, sort of. they still feel they know better.

Yeah lots of parents can’t transition. They don’t know how to treat adult kids.

13. do you want a gf for 2016? or maybe, or flat out no?

I want mini relationships.

14. sexual goals for 2016?

More healthy sex. Nothing in particular.

15. i like that. more healthy sex. are you off porn?

Not really. But I really wished I was. I’m probably 4-5 days without. Porn is really bad. Porn is the new heroin.

16. are you off the more aggressive porn?

Yes. Compilations were my weakness. Huge dopamine release. Videos edited to constantly give you that new girl rush.

compilations? like a playlist?

One vid after another. Don’t get into them.

17. so now only more normal porn. do you still feel guilty after watching porn?

Not so much. I feel like I’m wasting my seed. And that real sex will be worse. Because of softer erection and less desire. But now I have no chick. So temptation could come back. She just texted me today. She’s gonna come visit. Sept 13-15.

perfect. something in the bag. so now you can check out japan with more peace of mind, with less stress of where your next meal is coming from.

I want to be productive. Make successful friends. Bang one jap.

18. are you considering checking out manosphere forums for meeting other men, or are you off that?

I am for it. But more business focused. You’re the only manosphere guy I’ve met. I still check the red pill subreddit. Since it changed my life. It seems to have gotten worse. And I’m on twitter.

19. red pill baby. life changer. how would you describe yourself?

Idk man. Traveling engineer. I’m free.

20. last great book you read?

How to get rich by Felix Dennis. He died unfortunately. Cancer killed him. “He was the first person to say “cunt” on live TV.”

I banged the 40 year-old

so this is purely for historical purposes. i banged imma the 40yo and i just wanted to write down a few comments on how i did it, what i did right and wrong. clearly banging a woman my age is nothing to brag about it, but it is also good to not make any dumb mistakes.

so here is how it went down.

first date: thursday. we met up for drinks. only one place. didn’t bounce her, but had good vibe, started asking sexual questions, got the makeout, then walked her home.

second date: four days later, monday. we met up for drinks again, which turned into dinner essentially. the first date had gotten too sexual (she said), and probably yes because the makeout was intense, so this time it was much more casual. only light kissing.

third date: a week later, tuesday. we meet up again for dinner/lots of appetizers. by this point i was getting bored, but i escalated and invited her up to my apartment. we started making out on the sofa, then picked her up and took her to the bed and banged her.

so that was august 9, now it is august 20. funny enough, we started whatsapping about sex and lust and social progress and double standards and i think i offended her, i don’t think we will be having sex any more. but that’s fine.

i really tried to enjoy having sex with her without judging myself (“a man has to eat”), but sex with her was not great. i really did not like it.

also, i updated my little “2016 girls” table, here it is:

2016 girls

***

when i look back on the 40yo experience, probably my favorite thing i did right was when were on the sofa making out, i pulled down her shirt and started sucking her tits, which she loved, and then i pulled her on top of me, so she was straddling me, facing me on my lap, and then from that position i grabbed her ass good and picked her up, stood up, and took her to the bed. she loved it so much, i remember she made some sort of “ohhhh” noise.

that was probably the highlight. sex was definitely not the highlight.

and probably the “most improvement needed” thing was, maybe the first night i pulled her hair too much and got too physically aggressive.

i wonder what else i did right and wrong.

or is it just me?

What is a good girl?

what is a good girl? does she even exist?

this is such a fundamental question for the manosphere, i am surprised that more hasn’t been written about it. i mean, the #redpill is so brutal — women are children, women are not loyal, if you want unconditional love, get a dog — this message is so harsh and honest that of course it can create some bitterness in us men, especially those of us who are more sensitive and romantic.

it’s this harshness and brutality that makes this question — what is a good girl, and does she even exist? — extra important.

i like what victor pride says about good girls:

“Always pick a good girl. That means a virgin (or close), family oriented, pleasant, eager to help, a smiler, and patient.” -Victor Pride

ed latimore also has a positive view of good girls. in an interview, he says:

“There’s a lot of complaining going on in some parts of the Manosphere about there being a lack of quality women. For the most part, I don’t agree.” -Ed Latimore

ed calls them quality girls. maybe that’s a better name.

i am going to do more research on this.

***

i remember now that roosh made a list of things he is looking for in the future mother of his children. his list was okay, not as good as victor’s, but still, it is interesting because i guess that means roosh also *does* believe good girls exist.

***

the poll i did earlier:

***

which reminds me, krauser has a good concept that relates to this issue of good girls. he calls it cheerful misogyny, and i think it is probably the most important concept he has come up with:

“Cheerful misogyny: You love women but don’t take them seriously. This is more than just the attraction phase teasing. You genuinely believe women are more like dogs or children, meaning they are a delight when well-lead and a nightmare when left ill-disciplined without a pack leader. It’s empathetic but not weak or equalist.”

he wrote this in 2012, and to me it sounds pretty healthy and positive. interestingly, two years earlier, he wrote a post which i believe is also good advice, but sounds more jaded:

“You must be a misogynist as a defensive mechanism to defend yourself from the predations of women. Now I’ll agree not every woman is a libidinous, treacherous free-loading skank. I’ve met plenty of nice girls who really do have high value as human beings. But it is so hard to identify them. Much of the time you can’t know until you’ve already invested massive amounts of time and emotional energy in them.”

***

which also reminds me, i am working on a theory that men who go from very beta to very alpha are the ones who are most in danger of hating women, because they have seen both sides of the female coin, both masks that women can wear, and seeing that reality can really burn.

men who are only beta can hate women too, of course, but maybe they still idealize girls, and never truly get to see how conniving and ruthless women can be.

and men who have always been alpha (like steve jabba) are more likely to love women and accept women as they are, since these men have always have good experiences with women and haven’t been rejected or hurt by them.

***

a tweet from a while back:

43S is leaving his wife. actually he already left her. i started interviewing him via gchat last week, before he left her. this is part one of the interview. i wil finish part two of the interview this week, with him as a free man.

a bit of background on 43S. he is 43, white, 6ft tall, 200 lbs, in great shape, makes over 200k a year. he was living in NYC before, is living now on the west coast.

***

1. why did you decide to get married? or better, why did you decide to get married to your wife — you know, specifically to her?

i semi-seriously said i wanted to marry rich and young. when i met my wife she was young – 24 and i was 37. and she’s rich-ish.  i felt like i was ready to be married too. so the individual pieces made sense, and we were having fun. when she started turning the ratchet, i went with it.

2. so you were “having fun” and you were “ready”. at the time did you believe in love? were you deeply in love with her?

i have been in love before, and even been heart broken once before. however, it was different this time. i chalked that up to being older, different hormones, and so on. i thought, and sometimes still think, that approach is better. but this isn’t working, so time to look closer at my assumptions.

2b. so to follow up, if i understand you, were you deeply in love with her? no. were you “in love” with her?

That’s a chick question.

haha. interesting.

There was not much/enough eros:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Four_Loves

2c. it sounds like a mostly rational decision. “the individual pieces made sense”

we were having fun, and we both wanted it

2d. yes i mean, a 13-year age gap is very nice. it’s hot. that’s an alpha age difference.

she was actually one of the older girls i was dating at the time. not by a lot, but older.

3. interesting. and so what was the tipping point with her in particular? she was the most fun? she was from the wealthiest family?

i had a few others in the mix. one cut me off bc i wasn’t available. she was a little older, maybe approaching 30? another came and went. she knew her place, and wasn’t always able to accept it. another got a real bf. like more on brand for her. i also was ending my biggest personal project ever, a movie. and that was taking all of my time. she was the last one left, more or less. i wasn’t interested in getting more chicks in the mix, and decided to have a go at a real gf for a change. it had been a while. at that point we were in the funnel.

3b. the funnel? the “ratchet up” funnel?

yah. funnel is a sales term. top of funnel.

4. looking back, how much of that do you feel was from your own volition, and how much was her ability to make you want to marry her? not to say her manipulation, but her being able to ratchet up the pressure, take you through that funnel.

i am sort of stubborn in my goal seeking. like once we decided to get married it became a personal goal to make that happen. despite lots of opportunities to change course and red flags suggesting i do so. tough to say. fairly even.

4b. ” red flags suggesting i do so” — which red flags come to mind?

she had lots of reservations, we were struggling with intimacy and fought some.

4c. “she had lots of reservations” about getting married?

yah. she’s high anxiety.

4d. and how great was the sex in the beginning? was that a big factor in committing to her?

top quintile. not top 1%. now we have sex 1-2/month. and it’s generally pretty meh. being a little tipsy helps amp it up.

5. so you have been with her six years total right? what has been the worst thing, the thing you least expected, the thing that frustrates you the most?

we met and started dating june 2010. married sept 2014. worst thing is she isn’t as smart as me. so we care about really different stuff, and i can’t talk to her about certain things or in certain ways. least expected? how good she is stringing me along. i have certain things i need her to do – be more responsible financially, cook some – i am a MUCH better cook, be active. she will do just enough to make me thing she might actually be changing. most frustrating? how much i do for her and how little she does for me. i like to help people, to solve problems, to do shit. and that seems to hurt me in this relationship.

5b. “how much i do for her and how little she does for me.” but how did this happen? how did it get to this dynamic? was it a slippery slope? did you start doing more and more to try to keep the relationship alive — and how did she get away with doing less and less? did she play the victim? how did she achieve this imbalance?

i think it’s more about who we are. i like to feel like i am doing shit, so i do a ton of shit. she piggy backs on some it, asks for other stuff.

5c. i see. yeah. you have a productive personality. it’s who you are. so you get stuff done because that is your character and habit. and she piggy backs off you. but i imagine in the beginning she did more stuff, right?

not really. we were just dating, and living in nyc. it’s different. then she was involved in a terrible accident, and almost died. she recovered at home, and came back to nyc after a couple months. actually that may have been when the balance really shifted. as she still needed care, which i provided. honestly the real mismatch is i like to do my own shit more. cook for myself, etc. and she just wants to pay people.

5d. “she just wants to pay people” — would you say she is slightly spoiled? or more than slightly spoiled?

very entitled. daddy’s girl.

6. if she had to answer the question, “the most disappointing thing about 43S is ____”, what do you think she would say?

that i am very cold, and only think about myself.

6b. “that i am very cold” — is that true, are you cold to her now?

basically true.

6c. when was the moment that you completely decided that you wanted out of the marriage? was it that moment you told me about before? [a pregnancy scare]

more or less. that convinced me there wasn’t a future. took a little longer to get to actually wanting out. still not to getting out. i think i’m close. but it isn’t real, yet.

7. “it isn’t real, yet” — so there is a possibility of reconciliation, you feel?

no. but i am very reality based. there is a possibility i am a pussy.

7b. “there is a possibility i am a pussy” — meaning, you are delaying due to fear?

right now i am getting hung on the logistics. bottom line is i have a place to stay. and can fit more than enough clothes in my truck. toys and mementos and whatever are just stuff. i need to keep reminding myself that.

8. so, let’s do your introductory bio, what is your version?

East coaster living on the west coast for a second time. 80s hardcore hesher raised by macrobiotic hippies obsessed with sustainability. 4 brothers, all half, 3 from other mothers, and raised by my step father. I love anything fast and on two wheels, make my money at the intersection of design and technology, and miss NYC. 43, 208 pounds, mostly Anglo Germanic, norther euro in the 95th percentile for Neanderthal. Annual income a little over $200K. Full head of salt and pepper hair. 385 pound back squat, 12% body fat, 6 minute mile. Above average free testosterone. 6′ almost on the nose but not close enough to 6’1″ to keep lying.

8b. if a 25yo old white woman saw you at a bar, and had to rate you from 1-10, what do you think she would rate you?

Dunno. Maybe 7? Maybe 6? Probably 7. I believe the 1-10 is non-linear. Like an 8 is pretty major. I do have my audience. 7 for most, 8 for smart chicks.

9. are you excited to date again? or do you want to focus more on yourself?

Mixed. Will start on myself. Next few months is deciding where I want to live, stabilizing shit, taking a trip or 3. If chicks wander in, cool. I’m sure stuff will come up. A man needs to eat. Trips will probably be quick hits initially. Local camping, short flights. Bigger trip for sure later this year or early next.

10. this is all very new, but do you already have one big takeaway from this experience so far?

Takeaway is to trust your gut and do what you want to do. That’s always the takeaway.

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